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New Element Discovered PDF Print E-mail
Satire
Written by P.G. Sear   
Monday, 01 April 2019 06:31

Following the Cabinet meltdown, scientists at CERN have announced the discovery of the densest element yet known.  The new element Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 21 assistant neutrons, 100 deputy neutrons and 192 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 314.  There are a further 10 occasional neutrons that sometimes but not always form part of the nucleus.  These particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of known-to-exist but hitherto undiscovered sub-quarks called Boris’s Govons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  Even a tiny amount of Governmentium slows down a reaction that should only take a few days to complete, to take at least four years to do so.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of between 2 and 5 years.  It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.  This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical point of concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a ‘Critical Morass’.

In the presence of Referendium (Rr), Governmentium becomes Dysfunctium (Df), an element that trumps just as much noisome hot air (principally H2S, NH3 and CH4) as Governmentium, the main difference being that 52% of the Govons have made the full transformation to become morons.  Unlimited quantities of precious metals (Au, Ag and Pt) are consumed in the process, yet there are no useful by-products.

 
Comments (1)
Bad Chemistry
1 Wednesday, 03 April 2019 14:56
Ray X
Dysfunctium has an anti-matter equivalent - Remoanium - almost identical to the former, but thousands of times denser and carrying an opposite charge - thought to be 13 billion gross units - truly astronomical. Remoanium can only be found spaced out in cosmic rays. Researchers intend to capture Remoanium deep underground in European anti-matter traps. Here scientists hope to observe and understand these bizarre elements. They already suspect that Remoanium is a fundamentally weak particle, with no positron, and therefore cannot exist without the interdependence of other foreign elements.