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Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Khaksar Nooruddin spoke out today against Gordon Brown's intimidatory and bullying nature.

'I never done nothing to this man' said the Mullah. 'He comes here, he says I am unwashed, but I have no running water in my cave, he says he doesn't like my beard, I say I can't shave - it's my religion, he says he doesn't like my hat, I say it's no hat it's a turban. He pushes me up against the wall, grabs my beard and says 'I don't like the way you look.'Like I have ginger hair or glasses or something.'

But then things got much worse according to Mullah Abdul Khaksar Nooruddin. 'Brown came to see me and he told me it wasn't just me, it was my whole country. He said 'You must be like us. Free market capitalism, democracy, the Internet, Freedom of Speech, that sort of thing, you know.' I tell Gordon to calm down, we're different, but you don't have to change me. 'Change you!' he screamed, 'I'll unleash the bloody forces of hell on you lot.'

'Next thing you know he sent the boys round - 10,000 of them armed to the teeth with guns, grenades, rocket launchers, helicopters, tanks.'

'What do I think of Brown? He's just a bully, who wants to destroy everything that belongs to everyone else. He terrifies me.'