Ledbury Portal Community Forum

Cameron: I'm going to stop the water.

MPs: Hooray! Hoorah!

Cameron: I'm going to STOP THE WATER!

MPs: [wild cheering] Yes! Go get 'em pinkie!

Cameron: The problem is too much water. How do we get rid of the water?

MPs: Giant sponges. Sell it to the Arabs. Yes, sell it to the crabs. Arabs! Holy water - give it the priests. Turn it into wine! E..vap..or..ate it?

Cameron: Yes. We must evaporate it. And how do we evaporate it?

MPs: Burn it! Bomb it! Blame the poor! More police! Sink it! Less police! Heat it up!

Cameron: Yes, heat it up. And how do we heat it up?

MPs: Gunpowder! Give it a job! Nuke it! The sun - turn up the sun!

Cameron: But we can't turn up the sun, but how can we make it warmer?

MPs: Hairdryers! Cook it! Boilers! Nuclear fission! Hot air - heat up the air!

Cameron: Exactly! And how do we heat up the air?

MPs: Flatulence! [school boy sniggering] Hairdryers! Combustion engines! The Internet! Hot air... balloons? Fossil fuels... burning fossil fuels!

Cameron: That's right. We burn more fossil fuels. The answer lies beneath our very feet - shale gas. We use this water to smash up the shale, which will release the gas. This will warm up the air and, hey ho, evaporate all that nasty water.

MP: Into... clouds?

Cameron: Yes clouds. And what do we do with clouds?

MPs: Moan about them. Blow them away! Curse them! Fart in their general direction. Wish them away!

Cameron: Yes, we will wish them away to far, far away lands. Now, let us pray!