Satire

Public school boy educated Bill Wiggin, a Conservative farmer, who ‘represents’ us plebians in North Herefordshire, is not best known for his grammatical accuracy.

The Ledbury Portal has taken his most recent message to the House of Commons, and made a few grammatical changes. See if you can spot which mistakes are actually his.

For a bit of fun, a few choice words have been changed, mostly with synonyms, but I think you’ll find this version no less transparent than Bill’s.

Local Government Finance:

“As the House will know, the Government are set to provide approximately £72 billion of grants to local authorities in England for 2013-14. Despite the biggertyness of that figure, there be no disputing that overall spending must be reduced, like. However, even though the cake be smaller—indeed, precisely because the cake be smaller—we must ensure that rural areas such as Herefordshire receive their fair share of funding. For far too long, the historical balance have been tipped against them."

“Herefordshire be the fourth most sparsely populated county in England. It be made up of five market towns, villages, remote farms and hamlets, as well as Hereford city in the middle. At 42,500, the number of long in the tooth residents in Herefordshire as a proportion of the population are well above the national average. Just over a fifth of Herefordshire’s population, 22%, is aged 65 and over, compared with just 17% in England and Wales as a whole. Rural sparsity be an expensive challenge for a small county. Costs for transport, social care, schools, ambulances and health services is all pushed up. Yet Herefordshire are not and have not been a well resourced council. The 2012-13 budget figures show that formula grant funding per capita is £311, which be 13% below the national average of £358.

“What can we do? The council have just voted to raise council tax by 1.9%, because they feels that with only 1% being given by the Government, if they freezes the council tax they will fall further and further behind over time. I supports a freeze in council tax, and I does not agree with increasing it, as that will have a real impact on already stretched household budgets, especially for the over the hill and those living on pensions. Councillors have made efficiency savings of £21 million since 2011, and a further £9.1 million of savings are due to be delivered this year, and once the fat have been trimmed the pickings be lean. Factor in a below-average level of council tax, alongside a relatively low base, and it is clear that Herefordshire are running out of options. That be a state of affairs with which many of me colleagues representing rural areas will be depressingly familiar, innit.

“We knows from research that urban authorities receives far greater levels of financial assistance under the current system. Recently, the Government have taken some positive steps towards redressing the balance. Abstruse adjustments means that the maxim will do a better chore of mirroring the perk cost of providing services on my farm, like.

Ed: There is a very serious message here from young Bill - a message he should have been banging on about every year he has spent as an MP.