Willy Biggun here to offer you new and fascinating insights into how our party, party is run and how I intend to represent you after my selection to the Great Ape Parliament.

Well, I am rubbing my hands together. Not because I'm cold, no, I'm as warm as the proverbial bear bug with my heating blasted up - expenses paid by you the tax payer, of course.

No, my hand friction is for the 11% proposed pay increase. While other public service workers have had their pay frozen or capped at 1%, I think I'll be opening a nice bottle of bubbly and dining out at the Ledbury to celebrate.

And why shouldn't I? Everyone knows that we work harder than you, so hard, in fact, many of us have multiple jobs, as lawyers, farmers, directors and so forth. So don't begrudge us an extra 7-8 thousand pounds a year, we deserve it.

In these times of recession and austerity you have heard and learnt the master's mantra: "we're all in this together". This pay increase is easily justified and understood; it's all about drip down. The extra cash I will earn will be dripped down to you in terms of bottles of bubbly, fine dining and the like. The more I have, the more you will have - it's just a matter of time. Fact.

So yes, give us the 11%. I want it and I deserve it.